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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Please Come for a Walk With Me

Communicating has become bigger and bigger. Everyone I meet is taking about it. Every conversation I'm part of has this element.

Why don't we speak the truth?
unashamed, unhesitant, unembarrassed.

Why sugar coat our words?

Why say half a statement and imply the other instead of saying the whole thing as you mean it?

Why make a statement a question because you don't want to make the other person feel "pressured"?

Why are we afraid of sounding/seeming too eager, too moved, too emotional?

Chamki, Surabhi and I talked about it last night; 'A' andI talk about it all the time. Naina and I talked about it today,this need to c.o.m.m.u.n.i.c.a.t.e. .s.i.m.p.l.y. what's going on inside you at any given point in time.

About just having the courage to say "please come for a walk with me." when you want them to, as opposed to:
"i'm going for a walk. do you want to come?"
or
"i'm going for a walk. you can come if you want to."

Enough of trying to look like it doesn't really matter to you. Or like you're only inviting them as an afterthought.

This constant p.u.t.t.i.n.g. .u.p. .o.f. .l.i.t.t.l.e. .f.a.c.e.s. to accommodate the other person, devalue your needs, pretending is unnecessary and painful. We regret and continue doing it.

We are hurt or disappointed when they don't jump up to take a walk with us.
Why should we create the circumstances for our own disappointments!?

Why should we half say and half imply, have ask and half imply?

Why not stick to clarity, why settle for ambiguous hesitancy?

From today, let's all just ask when it really is a question:
when we really want to know whether they would like to take a walk with us;
and state when we have a request.
Let us not constantly confuse the two. and confuse the other.

Asking when we mean to request.

11 comments:

Maddie said...

wow!
that struck a chord with me -
as i always "accomodate" - at my expense -


hmmmm...perfect timing for me...


:)

Chamki said...

Yes yes yes yes yes!

I have begun first row of emails dispatched. Now for the second series of attacks!

Lets be bold and not half imply
so I ask straight, would you marry me?
hahahahahaha!

happy dehli- ing

Jen said...

Yes! I will try to be more aware of this in my own life...
this topic along with emotion is a favorite of mine. I think...

communication is such an important skill...it can help us or hurt us

when it comes to communication...people are self-conscious....uncertain..confused..
afraid...unaware...unpracticed...unlearned...

first hurdle is to know what it is one wants to communicate(which may be even..that one doesn't quite know)

second hurdle is to know how..

third hurdle is to be comfortable revealing oneself to another person through honest, straightforward communication...to risk a new way...what might change?

And another hurdle for some, is realizing how important communication is..how it's worthy of thought and can be learned and improved

The hard part is knowing that no matter how we communicate, we cannot guarantee how the other person will feel and/or be able to communicate in return..I am trying to accept this more and more. I know the more honest we continue to be, the more likely others will feel comfortable to do the same...someone has to take the first step.

It is nice to know so many people are talking about communication...asking why and requesting CHANGE

I wonder if this is something that has always been this way or if there is a growing "movement"...I see the growing interest in spirituality as supportive of this and tied in as well.

How do we learn about healthy communication? school, parents, peers, t.v....it's a hodge-podge of good,bad,ambiguous...it's not treated as the important skill that it is...

contrast it to reading...kids are taught the building blocks of reading and they are read to and they are questioned for understanding and they are listened to..and there is practice and if there are difficulties, there is delibrate thoughtful remediation geared to the individuals specific difficulty.And for many families...the parents, school, society are on the same page in regard to this!

...what of communication...what of emotions, for that matter...what of thoughts about people, relationships, oneself... all of these, I believe are tied into communication.

Jen

MAHIMA said...

yes, accommodating at our expense is always easy. it always seems more right than asserting our own needs.

i think we need to be more objective about it. we constantly think another person in own situation deserves more than we do. we need to acknowledge our needs. give to ourselves. ask for something when we want it.

chamki,
thank you for the million thanks. a million thanks to you! i did your quiz. and scored terribly!! laugh when you see i thought you'd want a husband more than anything else on your list. its all your fault. its because you're always talking about that rich husband and that miraculous old lady giving you her millions.
:p

jen! you are amazingly articulate!!
classified perfectly all the acpects and draw backs of trying to communicate honestly! much clarity came from reading your comment!

i'm trying. i tried even today.
strove for complete honesty. strove to not stifle anger or injury or needs. cracked a joke in public (everyone laughed, thank god!), said i'd like to do this rather than that, is that ok, instead of just agreeing and then feeling bugged. said i'll call when i really knew i would and said i will not be able to see you again today when i knew that was true instead of trying to appease everyone and squashing everything into one day, compromising the quality of all those experiences.

i hope we can continue to do this.continue to stive for honesty. and communication. despite embarrassment. despite anger. despite uncertainty. despite ourselves sometimes.

thank you for joining me.

Devil Mood said...

Because we are afraid.
that's my simple answer. lol

Jen said...

excellent!;) devilmood
am beginning to think there is much wisdom in the simple answer.
perhaps I often miss the forest for the trees
Jen

Jessie said...

mahima, i can't help but agree. not to mention, it sounds like a very interesting conversation.

megg said...

I'm going through these questions right now - how to be healthier by taking better care and being more honest!! I always thought I was honest before but now I realize that I am - to everyone but myself. Great post!!!

Tori said...

I cannot agree enough with everything you said here!
I think the more and more we all repeat this, the more it will evolve.
I often wish that there would just be a day where everyone would collectively decide to shift to the truth and stay there.
Now THAT would be revoluntionary!

MAHIMA said...

tori, yes, THAT would be revolutionary. and it would be that simple- no more sugarcoating or implying, worrying the other person won't respond with the same honesty, or worse, may not like your complete honesty!!
but i also agree with the idea that if we make this effort consistently and menton this enough, there will be a larger scale change.

Rose said...

Good post.